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Self Sabotage & Fear, oh my!

Writer's picture: Cassie ParlottoCassie Parlotto

I usually start our newsletter with a story or lesson from something that is going on in my life. I asked myself, "What am I learning right now that could be helpful for someone?" when I start writing the email.


This time, I knew immediately what I am going through, and it was the first time I was like, "Ermmm no, that is too personal."


Ironically enough, the topic I didn't want to share has to do with fear, so in the spirit of moving through my fear, I will share anyway. 😅


A couple weeks ago, I had a bad dream that woke me up in the middle of the night. I am a very vivid dreamer, but I don't usually have 'bad' dreams. It had something to do with one of my children, and then I was suddenly stung by a swarm of bees. It made no sense to me.


A couple weeks went by, and this week I was talking to India about it. We have had an ongoing conversation about the symbolism of bees, and I was sharing with her that I had this dream and it was weird because, usually I have a very pleasant experience with bees, but this was the first time I had a negative experience. She told me her thoughts and even pulled some cards for me and told me a few things that really resonated, including that I was self sabotaging in a few ways. 


'Self sabotaging' really jumped out at me, and made me remember something else about that night that I had totally forgotten about.


After I woke up from the dream, I was laying there disturbed for a few moments, and then I noticed that my stomach was hurting really bad. Like, realllllyyyy bad. I could tell it wasn't from the dream, it was something else. I laid there in pain and couldn't go back to sleep. After about an hour or more of fighting this pain, I finally stopped fighting, and sank into the pain and allowed myself to feel it. Like, really feel it. Then I prayed/asked of the pain, 'What are you trying to tell me?' And as clear as day, I heard, 'You are self sabotaging.' Yes, literally the same thing India told me about the dream I had just had. 


The previous night I had had two glasses of wine. In days past, I could easily drink two glasses of wine and be fine. Lately, though, my alcohol tolerance has been much lower and one glass is usually all I can take. I knew this, but still drank two glasses. I ignored my own wisdom and was then paying the price. I knew it was the alcohol.


Then my mind immediately jumped to another area of my life that I knew I was sabotaging (not surprising - when you have a physical response to something in your body, it is often linked to other things going on in your life). In this area, I am being asked to step into a larger space than I have ever before. I am doing things I haven't done before, and I know exciting things are coming because of it. What am I doing in response? Procrastination. Hiding in fear. Not doing all the things I know I need to be doing. 


It made me think of something Tara Mohr talks about in her book Playing Big.


She recaps it in this article by explaining that there are two kinds of fear:


Pachad is “projected or imagined fear,” the “fear whose objects are imagined.” That, in contemporary terms, is what we might think of as overreactive, irrational, lizard brain fear: the fear of horrible rejection that will destroy us or the fear that we will simply combust if we step out of our comfort zones.


There is a second Hebrew word for fear, yirah. Rabbi Lew describes yirah as “the fear that overcomes us when we suddenly find ourselves in possession of considerably more energy than we are used to, inhabiting a larger space than we are used to inhabiting. It is also the feeling we feel when we are on sacred ground.


If you’ve felt a calling in your heart, or uncovered an authentic dream for your life, or felt a mysterious sense of inner inspiration around a project or idea, you recognize this description.


We often conflate or confuse the two types of fear, and simply call what we are experiencing “fear.” But we can discern them more closely, and in doing so, more effectively manage fear so it doesn’t get in our way.


Next time you are in a moment that brings fear:


1. Ask yourself: what part of this fear is pachad? Write down the imagined outcomes you fear, the lizard brain fears. Remind yourself that they are just imagined, and that pachad-type fears are irrational.


2. Savor yirah. Ask yourself: what part of this fear is yirah? You’ll know yirah because it has a tinge of exhilaration and awe -while pachad has a sense of threat and panic. Lean into – and look for – the callings and leaps that bring yirah.


Beautiful, right? My fear was definitely of the yirah variety. Now, instead of self-sabotaging, I am working on leaning in, and doing the things I need to do to step into the bigger, wider, more expansive space.


What about you? Does this resonate? 


___


Many thanks to my friend and Joiful partner India Leigh, who somehow always manages to be the perfect mirror for whatever I am going through! If you would like to experience some of this magic, she is hosting our Self Care Sunday with us this weekend with Card Readings and Facials. She will be doing the card readings and Heyday of Dunwoody will be doing the facials. Info here.


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